I broke up with a long-time friend a few months ago. I sent her a chat message hoping she would comfort me for being guilty as a fictosexual (having sexual attraction to fictional characters). Instead, she suggested something against my identity. She told me to find a relationship partner or a husband. It angered me because she knew I was aro-ace (aromantic asexual). Aromantic people are not interested in romance while asexual people have little to no sexual attraction to people. It is annoying to have to re-explain it all over again with her. I am only interested in platonic relationships and see men as "friends". It is also ironic to hear it from her who has failed so much in past relationships. I deeply felt invalidated.
Instantly, I knew she was projecting her fears onto me, because she is definitely the one desperate for a relationship, always scanning and searching in online dating sites and diving onto relationship even when she had known the person in a short while. I told her she was projecting her fears onto me, but she would not listen. She would go further by saying "What if my parents are old who will take of them? What if someday my parents were gone, you will be alone" further fueling my fears and anxieties of the future.
She would further insult me by saying "I have no other friends, and that I cannot always rely on my friends for help." It occurred to me she was implying I cannot rely on her on times of need. Then my past experience with her resurfaced. I remembered during our elementary days, she abandoned me for a bunch of other friends. I begged her to stay with me every lunch time but she would not care. All I remembered she and my other friends left me alone during break time. Then I remembered that she once blocked me from social media without any explanation. I finally concluded she will never be a true friend.
She would even say, "Learn to be independent, you are already 40 and I still see you are dependent on your parents. Do you even learn how to commute?" It was very insensitive of her as she knows I have history of lupus, chronic illness, mental issues and grew with overprotective parents. My parents won't even allow me to commute. She has been my long time friend but it's as if she did not know anything I went through. It feels as if she is blaming me as if it were all my fault. She would even say "I am just worried about you." If she is indeed worried about me, why not comfort me? She would resort to fear-inducing scenarios and even force me to layout my future plans here and there. My heart was racing fast during our chat. I even challenged her to talk to my mom about her issues about me, but suddenly she got scared and retreated saying "Let's not talk about it anymore. It will just stress you." Funny thing to say because she already triggered me from the start. I felt she was making an excuse because she cannot force her ideas on me.
I told her "Don't ever think I don't think about any of that. I always worry about my future. I have my own plans but my plans are mine alone. Don't pressure me to talk about my future plans with you." I even joked that "You worry too much about me, don't worry about my problems as they are mine to solve. Mind your own problems." I also told her "It is not appropriate to worry too much about the future." But she went against me by saying "She is just being realistic, it is not wrong to talk about the future." But I did not like how she acted like everything is "SO URGENT!"
We ended the conversation, with her apologizing, but honestly it stuck inside my head. I wanted to prove to her I am not that helpless as she thinks I am. Because really, her words made me feel insecure about myself, she did not acknowledge the times I tried online work (work from home) or became a secretary in our church organization. Did she not think I could make friends on my own? She made me feel I am not doing enough.
The next day, I sent in our group chat about the self-reliance services and classes of our church. I sent spiritual self affirmation and scriptural passages from the bible.
I was shocked because instead of just saying "Ok I get you" or giving a heart react or thumbs up, she instantly blocked me.
I suddenly asked myself if what I did was wrong or did I hurt her feelings. But when I looked back on my messages, they are just information. Church programs, scriptural passages and self-affirmation quotes about hope and faith. I realized there was nothing wrong about it all along. It was then that I knew something was up. It was a sign from above that she was never meant to be a part of my next journey in life. That I should let go of our friendship and end it.
An imagery formed into my head. The chat I had was like fighting with my inner turmoil, my inner demons pulling me down. But when I accepted the Lord's church, His word and his Love... the demon left.
God is indeed protecting me. I received a testimony of his love and divine protection. For some reason, I have secretly been hesitating my friendship with her. I saw in her life that she is too desperate for romance that she becomes risky in her behavior, going as far as allowing someone whom she barely knew for a few weeks to take her in a stranger's home. Her partner was a girl of course, but it still it is dangerous. What if there are other men inside the woman's house awaiting her? What if there are drugs or any immoral activity happening inside her partner's home?
There are times when my friend would offer to drive us to Tagaytay. I often hesitate with her invitation. She knows how to drive, but given her history of bipolar disorder, there might be risks.
There are also times when she would advice me to chat with a stranger who messaged me or try dating apps. Honestly the chat with the stranger did not turn out good for he has other evil intentions. As for the dating app, I deleted and canceled my account. It feels disgusting. I felt like an item for auction or posted online for sale for strangers to choose. It's like a desperate attempt for love and romance, and I am not as desperate as her.
I also felt that she prioritizes her online partners than her friends. She even hurriedly renewed her driver's license upon having a future plan with her online partner which unfortunately failed. She already had plans before of renewing her license so she could drive her friends (which meant us) but she did not do it until she had this relationship.
After this, I have a churchmate who sent me these wonderful messages:
At that the moment, I had clarity what a true friend is.
A true friend does not underestimate your abilities but believes and encourages you.
A true friend gives comfort and not fear.
A true friend will offer help and guidance and not give you more problems to think of then leave you solving them on your own.
A true friend acknowledges your efforts even how small or insignificant they may seem.
A true friend will not force their ideas on you and give expectations of what you should be.
A true friend knows your situation in life and will not be insensitive of your challenges.
I also read this message from my facebook feed:
I told my mom about this and it also opened her mind that indeed she (my mom) realized has been holding me back sometimes. But we know it is also not appropriate to meddle in someone's else life especially my friend is not the one who takes care of me when I am sick or pays for my medicines or medical bills. She has been a long time friend but I am very disappointed of how it turned out.
I felt it might be a sign she is in a manic mode (bipolar) but of course she would not listen, claiming she is just being realistic and she will never acknowledge that she has a problem unless I too walk out of her life. So that's why I blocked her back from all my social media accounts and sent her a text message saying goodbye. I will not cry for her again to come back into my life like what I did before. I know I can live without her and I don't need to rely on her. I have my family, God, the church, other friends who can I can still talk to. I will just leave it to her therapist and to God. For some reason, I felt peace and a thorn in my heart has been removed.
All this happened when I am already almost in 2 months of removing my two medicines. So after this event, I had to increase my medication as it triggered my symptoms back. I still sometimes remember what she did and feel both anger and pity for her at the same time. But I know I should move forward with renewed hope and spirit and this drives me give more effort to push myself to grow and be a better person. With this experience, I learned to set boundaries and let go of things that are not meant for me.
